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I at the time had three kids all girls and when I found out I was pregant with a son along with my husband being so happy was my father. His first grandson ( I have and older step sister that has three boys, but to my dad even though he loved them all I guess me his baby having a son was something real special for him) My daddy was a well known Gospel singer his in New Haven Connecticut and well as other places his grou was called the Golden Stars, he sang with many gospel singers, Shirley Ceaser, The 5 Blind Boys, Willie Johnson and the Gospel Keynotes, James Cleveland the list goes on. And everywhere he went I was there unless it was a school night. He was kinda like Norm on the show Cheers every where he went people knew him by name and me my knickname was Lil Nate lol.
One night he had to sing at the Apollo theater and oh how I cried for I wanted to go with him, my mom was like no for its a school, but my God Mother and her friend Mary snuck me up there to see him. He was so happy that he called me up on stage with him to sing. We made it back in time, was doing good until somebody called my mom and snitched they saw me on stage but did add I looked and sang beautifully lol.
My dad was a pastor of a church called Saint Johns in the process of getting his church rebuilt one day he and my husband were having a conversation. My husband asked him one day what did he want out of life. He stated that he wanted to see his grandson be born and to see the church roof be completed.
Well my son was born was on August 18, 1995 we were living in Burbank when he was born and then moved to Baltimore then to Virginia (due to the job hubby had) then they transfered him to California (I now seem to think it was step one of Gods way of preparing me for what was to come)
Before we moved to back to Cali I went to see my parents and God parent and my dads eyes lit up when he saw his grand son and yes the church roof was done. Before I left he also had asked me to do him a favor I said anything for you daddy, he said he wanted me to tell my cousins that he had forgave them for the lies they told and he wanted my youngest cousin to come forth and tell the truth. I said I am on it dont worry.
So I moved back to Cali but talked him every day like I always did, we talked about the new movies out, our favorite action heroes Chuck Norris, Jean Claude, Steven Segal and other things. So I went back to work and one day got a phone a call on phone from my sister saying our dad was in the hospital. My mom had went on a retreat in Flordia and my dad was home alone nothing strange. He had asthma and had a attack from all the strain (and yes he was smoker but had stopped, among the series of heartattackes he had) how he was found was a friend of the families happend to be driving down the street and saw my daddy laid out on the ground and called 911.
Got him to the hospital they notified my sister, who called my mom and she was on the next flight home then my sister called me. When my mom got back she called me said they had him on a machine and he was not breathing on his own, but she put the phone to his ear and I talked to him, now the same time my God mother went into the hospital for her illiness as well. So I kept asking my mom shall I come home she was like no, its ok for now ( I think she didnt want me to see my dad in the state he was in) so every day I called on the 22 I called she was like he is off the machine and breathing on his own omg I was so happy.
Then I got a voicemail from my sister to call her that was on the 23, I tried to call her back but her husband said she was not there but will have her to call me. Later on that night my mom called I said hey mom whats up? She was quiet I said who is home with you? I said everybody. She asked me to put my husband on the phone and I got this chill up my back, when my husband came to the phone my mom said this is the toughest phone call I had to make. My husband looked at me and all he could do was just say I am sorry. I said my daddy is dead right? She said yes baby and thats all I remember.
The rest of the days were a blur, friends from back east called, they played my dads songs all on the radio and I dont remember any of it. The wake and funeral were all just like a robotic event for me. The months that went by like a blur, in the month of Oct I was dealt another blow on halloween my Godmother passed away I heard her on the phone take her last breath, then in Dec of that same year my Grandfather passed away talk about a mind blower geesh.
So needless to say 1997 was a blur as well, I started to sink into depression really bad, I cried a lot, was angry alot not understanding why I lost all of these people at once, How come I was so far away I couldnt say good. I was angry at my mom for not letting me come home to see my dad when everyone else had that chance to do so. Then the thoughts of why am I still here came to mind? Why was I left here to mourn them, what good can I be to my family if I am only a former shell of what use to be Bridget so I was thinking of ways not be here. I guess God was like umm no you are not taking the easy way out, I still have things for you to do.
In 1998 my son lost his need for speech, things in him changed, and I didnt know why, I became more depressed over that thinking ok now what else can go wrong in my life. His doctor picked up something was out of place with Eric and sent us to Olive View Medical Center . I had to work that day sure didnt want to go, but my husband was like you cant stay here alone, he knew I was depressed and like any good husband he was doing all he could to make me happy. But the couldnt bring back the one thing that would bring me back to myself that was my daddy.
Well he and my son came back from the dr's and he called me at work and said "sweetie I have news for you" I said OMG now what he? He said Eric has Autism I just laid the phone down and cried. My boss came over and said whats wrong I told her, she gave me the rest of the day off. We decided to tell the girls Brianna was about two, Lonette and Erica were about I think 10 and 11 at the time. So once again I slipped deeper into depression, I cursed, I cried some more, I question God as to ok what did I do to deserve more crappy stuff in my life.
Then it I tought back on the scripture my dad use to always said to me "God dont put more on you then you can bare" I got on my knees and prayed to God asking him what is that I can do, How can I continue on with everything around me is falling apart and I dont want to be here anymore I was looking around for the pain killers I was taking when I sprained my arm and thinking. Hey I know suciede is a sin but I cant be here anymore to much pain.
At that moment my son came into the room and put his head on my shoulder, this is the same kid that didnt want to be touched, held, hug, just wanted to be left alone.
I looked in his eyes and saw my dad in his eyes. And all I could do was hug my son, and then thats when I realized that Autism was sent to me so that I could focus on keeping myself alive, keeping me so that I can see I have something to fight for. Autism was here for me to know that hey like my dad said "life if full of ups and downs, you have to take the good with the bad."
The bad parts my dad is no longer here, but he got to see his grand son who has the same mannerism of his grand father including the same built.
The bad part, my son has Autism but it has helped me to redefine my life, it has showed me that I am not the invinceable woman I thought I was.
The bad part is Autism has brought so many medical issues to my son's life Asthma. Absence Sizures, stuttering. But it has made him stronger in other arear's he has shown me how to have more compassion, patience, love and understanding.
It has brought his siblings together more they actually are intrested in his wellbeing, his school work, IEP Meetings things I dont hink they would be as interested in if he was normal.
Autism has kept me here so that I can help my son, I can fight for my son, watch him grown maybe not into the young man I THINK he should be. BUT to become the man that God wants him to be.
So yes there are times that I 'HATE AUTISM" and I wish my son didnt have it, BUT then again I have to sit back and say man. If he didn thave it I wouldnt be here, I wouldnt have met the wonderful woman I have on and off the internet. I wouldnt have been able to start the community I did back in 2003 and meet more wonderful community Helping one another to cope.
I wouldnt be back to the Bridget that you all know today
I love you Daddy
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