Scared of Lonely

I'm in this fight and I'm swinging and my arms are getting tired
I'm trying to beat this emptiness but I'm running out of time
I'm sinking in the sand and I can't barely stand
I'm lost in this dream, I need you to hold me
I'm scared of lonely

This first part of the song fits how I am feeling so perfectly its just to damn scary. What fight am I in some may know some may not. I am fighting with my sons school he is in Special Education due to this Autism/PDD since the age of two our battle didnt begin until 6th grade and thats when the fight for his education I go into IEP meetings swinging with all that I have with all of the special education laws and rights I know my baby has hitting them with every left and right and even few quicks kicks when possible. And everything I think he is going to be ok BAM here comes something. How am I running out of time you may ask my baby is in the 8th grade and about to enter into Highschool this year and time is coming fast, I feel like each step is pushing me back futher into the sand and I am not making any headway at all just falling deeper and deeper into muck and mire of the damn school district

I try to be patient but I'm hurting deep inside
And I can't keep waiting, I need comfort late at night
And I can't find my way, won't you lead me home?
'Cause I'm lost in this dream, I need you to hold me

My patience is wearing thin, I am tired of the lies, the lack of knowledge of what Special Education is all about. All of these people with degrees and have no shame in letting you know they went to college to study in this field and due to the fact I havent I must be dumber then a bag of rocks.These people dont understand I spend my days and nights for fighting for this cause not only for my son but for all kids like him whos parents dont know they have a voice. I have seen how incidents get pushed under the rug due to parents not knowing their rights and its scary.

Sometimes at night I will wake and go into the bathroom and just cry from frustration, anger. I have my husband here and he listens and will step in but to me and it could be wrong. He is fighting for our son on the "normal tip" but I am doing it from his Special Needs side and that I justs the most frustrating side to fight from more laws, more people involved lawyers, advocates etc.and I feel like I am alone just lost left to wander around and figure things out on my own and hopefully I can find the right way or the right group of people in the school system to give us the help our son needs to succeed. It's like being in one of these dreams where you feel like you are awake and something is after you and you feel your self running and screaming but nothing is coming out and your feet are taking you no where.

I'm scared of lonely
And I'm scared of being the only shadow I see along a wall
And I'm scared of the only heart beat I hear beating is my own
And I'm scared of being alone, I can't seem to breathe
When I am lost in this dream, I need you to hold me
I'm scared of lonely, I'm scared of lonely

I cry at night 'cause my baby's too far to be by my side
To wipe away these tears of mine so I hold my pillow tight
To imagine you I'll stretch your hand looking for mine
'Cause I'm lost in this dream, I need you to hold me

I have spent the last 4 weeks crying watching my son become a former shell of himself. The happy little kid that loved school but now hates getting up in the morning. Hates getting dressed and getting into the car. I cry when my comes home and tells me that somebody took his gym cloths and threw them in the toilet, I cry when they video tape him at school for protecting himself and only get half of what happened and then chastise him for doing wrong and tell me he needs to learn socialization skills and learn to cope with his peers. When his fact his peers lack both of the skills they want him to learn. I have to wipe not only my tears away but the tears of my son who has more meltdowns then ever, he dosent understand why this is happening to him. Why they hate him the tears are starting to fall now and I cant stop them just typing this makes my heart and head hurt and all I want to do is fight. So all I can do is walk into his room before I go to bed whisper in his ear that I love him and say a prayer to God to help me to help him. I know I will have this same dream again tonight and struggle to wake up from this nightmare, Once again feeling alone and scared.

I'm scared of lonely
And I'm scared of being the only shadow I see along a wall
And I'm scared of the only heart beat I hear beating is my own
I'm scared of being alone, I can't seem to breathe
When I am lost in this dream, I need you to hold me

I need your break when nobody is around
'Cause I'm tired of this emptiness
I think I'm drowning, I can't be lonely
And I'm lost in this dream, I need you to hold me

Do I need a break yes I do, but can I take one hell to the now. For the one time I relax the walls come tumbling down around me. Phone calles from asst principals who dont call back three weeks after the first phone call. Gym cloths come up missing, my kid being punched in the chest which bring on and asthma attack or seizures. My son now seeing a Psychartist due to this drama. kids telling him how to find hot lesbian lovers with big boobs on the internet. And then people telling me oh its just natural he is a teenager , When we were younger it was playboy sigh .
his lunch money being stolen from Sep-Oct and me not being notified until Nov. He being to scared to tell and nobody paying attention,, his arm broken, then pulled, hit in tthe head with a bottle, his momma being called a fat Bitch in the classroom and the teacher her response "have you met Mrs Little she is a very nice lady who has lost a lot of weight sigh. Piano teacher punishing him for not being able to use this left hand to do his work when that hand is in a cast the list goes on. Now we wont even add the issues with the three older girls and what I have to help them out with.So now you see why I cant get a break.

I feel empty , useless, drained, and just want to lay down and sleep.

I feel like I am drowning in Autism, IEP meetings, Regular Dr Appointments, Neuro Appointments, Psychartist Appt ect, My body is like hey psssst over here you know your health is going to really shut down on you if you dont take time out for yourself. So Yes I feel lonely, lost and confused and very very afraid.

So now I must to and kiss my prince good night and hold him for a bit

I'm scared of lonely
And I'm scared of being the only shadow I see along a wall
And I'm scared of the only heart beat I hear beating is my own
And I'm scared of being alone, I can't seem to breathe
When I am lost in this dream, I need you to hold me

I'm scared of lonely
And I'm scared of be the only shadow I see along a wall
And I'm scared of the only heart beat I hear beating is my own
And I'm scared of being alone, I can't seem to breathe
When I am lost in this dream, I need you to hold me